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Causes of Divorce Don’t Matter

By Peace Talks Subscribe to RSS | July 10th 2012 | Views:
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If you were doing a survey and the subject was divorce, it’s likely that most participants would say affairs and financial arguments were the top causes of divorce. Although there may be some truth to that, in actuality, many marriages crumble through erosion.

It is common knowledge that most people theorize that divorce is the fault of one individual in a marriage; many feel that there was one specific cause for the divorce. However, the causes of divorce don’t matter because it’s never the doing of one individual. The event which initiated the actual divorce filing is normally NOT the event that caused the ultimate divorce.

Naturally, many a person would initially feel that this hardly makes any sense. However, if you change your perspective, you’ll see that when an individual is in a solid relationship, he/she is not tempted to go to bed with another, or to spend countless hours at work, or to ignore a spouse and spend time solely with the children, or any other reason the majority of the people dictate are causes of divorce.

The truth of the matter is single events are not causes of divorce. Frankly, it is the buildup of a number of smaller events which led to divorce. When the problem began, it was merely something small which occurred that nobody realized where it was destined to crash.

For example, a spouse doesn’t pay much attention to you. You begin to hang out more often with a co-worker. Your spouse simultaneously feels ignored, looks elsewhere for friendship and companionship. The dilemma begins innocently enough as most people see nothing troublesome with hanging out with friends. However, at some point, the husband and wife have developed two different lifestyles. After a few years, it’s likely that they will no longer have much in common.

Naturally, the problem can be something severe, like gambling or infidelity. However, it is all the same, in reality. Thus, instead of relying on your spouse for comfort, sharing and amusement, you turn to someone or something else entirely.

We see why causes of divorce are not the fault of merely one person. Husband and wife both contributed, even if their participation intended to be a positive experience. For example, a husband may be his wife; or the wife may have a control freak for a husband. He/she may put up with the problem silently; he/she never responds, and does what the spouse dictates merely to keep things status quo.

At some point, the person may have had enough and tells the spouse divorce is the answer.

Who is at fault here? If the husband put up with her behavior long enough, rarely making an effort to change the situation, without stating his feelings to her about how he’s at his wit’s end, then is it his fault? It’s possible that if he had set better boundaries with his wife and refused to be henpecked and nagged, and if he insisted that they find better ways to communicate, then their marriage could have been salvaged.

The wife may look like the one to blame, but the husband played a major role in the situation, as well. Apparently, he’s more sympathetic, but he served a part in the downfall of their relationship.

We know how complicated life can be. This is why we need to cease worrying about causes of divorce, and begin to worry about better communication, set clear boundaries, and create shared experiences not only with the spouse and children, but with extended family and friends, as well.

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Peace Talks - About Author:
Diana Mercer is an Attorney-Mediators and the founder of Peace Talks Divorce Mediation Services; it provides mediation services, child custody, cohabitation and LGBT dissolutions and family divorce mediation. For More information about Causes of Divorce visit Diana Mercer’s Own Blog at: www.makingdivorceworkblog.com

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